I know the love is gone already. Both of us are just putting up a fake front. Now, he no longer messages me in the morning or call me anymore. I guess he can live it off well. But I am still expecting that kind of message. Guess I should tone down and accept the harsh fact that Dave no longer want to make this fire burn anymore.

He asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday night, and I agreed so happily.

Yesterday was another dreadful and depressing day. I want to fill this diary with happy memories, but all the while, its things that make me feel troubled. I m so helpless.

We have compromised that morning he go and do up his car, while afternoon I go shopping for my friend's baby(1st month). Because he woke up late, and a huge jam at Orchard on a Sat, we reached there very late, abt 2.45pm. Thruout the car journey to Robinsons, I kept silent. He asked mi a few times if I was angry, I said I wasnt, I was tired and wish not to say wrong things to make things worse, or spark any quarrel.

But soon, at Guardian, he was there reprimmanding me for walking away while he was talking to me. And he reminded me, don't wait for things to happen, and if I asked for another chance, he will not give again. I did not want to start another quarrel there, so just accepted what he said, and kept quiet. I was too hurt to say anything further. I feel like he's up there picking on me.

Then when I finally got the present, and we were soon on our way to sentosa to meet our volleyball friends, when we were waiting for the Siloso line. I was still troubled by what he said earlier, "does that mean that we just got together the day before and he's saying things to put me off?" Soon the siloso line came but because I stood up later, the bus went off. We tried to chase the bus, but in fact, it left without any passengers. So he immediately turned harsh and shouted at me in front of other pple at the terminal. He was showing his vey displeased actions. I was hurt more that ever. Why is he always losing his cool? Almost already bursting into tears.

So we sat down and waited. Halfway, I told him I needed to cool down and I will join the rest later at the beach, have asked him to go first. Then he was angry again, and asked mi what I am trying to do. I explained tat, after what happen today, I feel that I am not happy, inside me, I am crying all the time in my heart. Need some cooling down cuz I know any minute I will burst into tears. After that, the next min, I just know he started shouting at me at the back of the bus terminal, he said that I have caused him to come for volleyball always so late for so many saturdays. =[ And whenever things happen, I want to go home. I told him that i just needed to cool down and will join them, and not go home. I don't want to face the rest of the gang and let pple see I am crying. They will know that both of us have quarrelled. He shouted at me, saying that we are incompatible and he is breaking up with me after less than 24hrs.

The whole world seems to be falling down on me.

I told him okay, give me 5mins to cool down and he can cool down so he can stop raving at me. Who knows, after 5mins, he left on the Siloso line towards the beach himself. I called him frantically and asked him if he still wanted to talk things out. He said I m being crazy and all. I was so much hurt time and time again, I kept sobbing over the phone and said that I wanted to die, because I have given everything to him and loved him so much and now I don't know what to do. I told him that, and he said to do what I like and he won't care. He said I am making him feel guilty. I said no, I just don't know what else I can do anymore.

I msged Chim and he called me, asking me not to do silly things. I asked him to tell Dave that he loved me, I really wanted to drown myself at the breakwater behind the carpark. He was worried and he came over to meet me without me knowing. All the while, Dave did call back and keep asking me to go over to the beach to meet him and he will give both of us another chance, he threaten not to patch things up if I din go over. I was so exasperated and between sobs, I said please understand me, I am crying and my whole face is swollen, how to go over and see the rest. He said it won't! I just don't want him to shout at me. I know myself, so emotionally unstable, how to talk things without me breaking down. He kept hurting me with all the words he said.

I can't bear to type anymore now. So hurt.

i will be going to help Tong Meng in getting his schnauzer he liked. Will be going petfarm later to visit hazel with Vanda. Heard the schnauzer is a male and around 4 years old. Let's hope he will like that schnauzer. Hope the weather is fine and hope that there will be conversation between me and Tong Meng. As I am rather shy, I just hope I try to make conversation else will feel awkard during the long journey to Pasir Ris.

Deep in my heart, I feel that whenever things don't turn well in the relationship between me and dave. Its always me begging him to give me another chance and carry on. I just can't let go still. It's very sad. All the while, he's blowing me away with words like, he had enough, we should just be friends. One good turn deserve another, and I know that one day I will have to let go.

Have already told him where I am coming from:
1- I am looking for love, and someone to treat me really well, talk to me well and not hurt me. I don't want any material needs. If we want to be together, we must forgive and forget.

2- If it doesnt work well still, I must accept it and let go!

Last night, took a few sleeping pills to sleep. feel that my life is ruined all because of love. Need to take sleeping pills, spend money to see pyschiatrist every week. Been owning the bank lots of money because i can't let go the person i love.

went for dental yesterday. But all because of this dental fees of $50, everything went haywired. All my hopes of finding the love i want are dashed. I was afraid he has not enough cash in hand, but because he dun like the way i asked him repeatedly, he said i despise him. Gawd, would i even despise someone and still stick with him. He totally misunderstood me. All these things, made me a very sad person. I know he is not for me certainly. I wouldnt want someone to quarrel over a little things, say things like slotting the money in my letterboz, say things like had enough and its over. I guess he is not the one for me and I m also not the one for him. But for now, I don't know how to break off from this web of love.

Dave just called and explained that he lied earlier so we could avoid dicussing about the car matter. Look, its again because of the car that we are unhappy. Quarrelling and all. WHY!?! Must he lie to me because to avoid another rough spot? Is it so worth it to lie and hurt me in this way? He never think of my feelings. I have made it clear to him that whatever he do now, just be happy seriously. I won't want to know anymore things about him and his car and he is not to ask me about my personal life again.

I will try to move ahead to get back my own happy life now. Though I know its hard to let go and I will miss him. But I know it's better to end things now than later. It's lucky that we have not become a couple to friends yet. I just need a break and have my life back. In the end, what I get is another guy whom betrayed my trust, hurt me time and time again. :(

And because he made me upset about adding a wiper aid to his car, he did not even tell me at all. He obviously has no respect for me and he broke his promise. Thus, when he emailed to ask about the momo steering wheel if he should do, I have given up on him. I said to do whatever he wants as long as he is happy.

Who knows, when I called him to ask him about that email reply, he said he did not read it. I don't understand why he should lie?! I merely wanted to know the truth and to him, even such a small thing he lied, I can't believe how to make myself trust him whatever he promised and said to me. I knew he has read the mail and deleted it from his inbox. I have got a receipt in my mailbox to proof it. When I told him this, he simply become even more stubborn and wants to hang up the phone. Saying that yes, he read it if I wanted to think it that way! Is it so hard to even admit a mistake? My tears flow as I write this, because I am deeply hurt to why this kind of little thing he also can lie to the person he love. What is it for? Because of stubborness, pride?

Everytime I look forward to hear from him, things like this would happen. I would find out about these things, it's a betrayal of trust now. I am very scared. Am I falling for a liar, a simply egoist person, so much that his pride is at stake? I am very scared cuz all I want is a simple minded guy to love me, for me to put my trust with him and to love him with all I can. I hope to have my own personal family one day.

He never kept his promises at all. He has made himself a happy man after he got his car. I was very happy initially, always accompanying him to check about his car before he bought, giving him opinions. But alas, after getting his car, things started to change. Even a little damage to his car, he blamed me for rushing him. Accidentally while parking, the wheels scraped against a kerb of a carpark lot, and he started speaking from his heart, saying things like I should have let him decide where to park. How immature he is when I hear it right from his mouth, and he said that I am just too sensitive to his comments. Well, indeed I m sensitive and hurt by it.

I was happy to learn that finally I may have another boyfriend who drives and next time, going anyway is easier. But who knows, as days passed, I came to realise we have no happy times. He was elated with his car, happy surfing his getz forum. It seemed to it that most of the things he talked abt is his car and how to modify his car. Once the idea is onto his mind, he will keep pursuing it till he get his hands on it. God, I want a simple guy. A car is just a car and he agreed the last time how we looked at things. It is mainly used for transport. Now it has become not what we dicussed anymore. He seemed so into it that I feel out of place, taken for granted, no respect anymore. Why?

I feel that he has changed. I just standby each time, he has his car rims, tyres changed and all, fixing extra guages and fake exhaust, fog lamps. Next, he wants to change to a mp3 player and his steering wheel. I feel upset because perhaps in my heart, I want to look for a guy that makes me feel secure, more sensible. Because whatever he did is just not sensible, its more like interest for him. A new hobby. Now, the idea of a car is just a car for transport purposes, no longer is his aim anymore. He is the happy one now, I thought I could be, but no, he makes me reluctant to want to sit in the car which I wished he never had done all the modifications. Worse, the car has become like an overboard doing now, he seems so happy but when will he stop? His next is to change the steering wheel and the mp3 player. and what next?

Am I so unworthy in his eyes anymore, that whatever I tried to put across to him seems to no avail. He mentioned will inform me next time if he wants to change anything, to respect me and he said he loved me. But truely, the next thing he did, he broke his promise again. I am so upset. I am not in anyway involved and it's making me upset and when i bring it up and question him, he said I treat him like a kid, refuse to answer or just said he don't wish to talk now and wants to hang up. Am I the bad one really?

I have decided to revive my blog this time.

I guess I really need someone to talk to, but I feel that I can't possible talk to people about these. So I shall write now, I have always loved writing, can just go on and on.

My life has been really not right everytime I fall for a guy. It has not proof me wrong time and time again as this time with Dave.

First knew him through mutual friends and at Sunset bay, sentosa. Thereafter, have been practically going down Sentosa everytime just to play the game and to go back with him after that because we were taking the same bus. Things were fine at first, taking the bus to go out and all. He was a very nice fellow, considerate and though I must admit he is not handsome at all, with such small eyes and thick brows, I love the way he smiled. In my eyes, he's handsome in some ways. We started going out for movies, spending more time together, perhaps just because both of us were working shift and has more chance to be together. We were like this for many many months, I should say almost a year now.

Many a times, Dave has asked me to be his gal, but how much I wanted to say yes each time, but was afraid of taking the step out to accept a new guy in my heart. I told him the reason and he said I should open up and be more confident. My past relationship was a terror, he never knew how bad it was, so I tot perhaps he doesnt understand.

So I thought that Dave will be with me sooner or later, I will just take my time to accept him. I waited for the faithful day to come. But as time goes by, we get to know each other even better. Such that flaws and problems surfaced, my dreams of being with him just seemed impossible, drifting further and further as day goes by.

We would quarrel everyday, and I mean everyday now! It's so tense and heartache. Most of the times, I was in the wrong. I said wrong things and he would flare up and mood change. Just like that day, exactly on last Sat, when I sat in his car, so eagerly waiting to see him. Once inside, I saw that his face wasnt looking gd and he was obviously not happy, so I asked. And the next moment was a big quarrel, and I just simply don't understand. Perhaps I really shouldnt speak or ask him anything. And he said its another misunderstanding.

Then yesterday, he was supposed to bring my panasonic hp for repair at alexandra. So he drove me there, who knows, the same thing happened again, he came up to my house to wait for me. But when I went ahead to open the gate for him, he said, "How come your face like that?" I was shocked, and I didn't want to look sad. I was expecting him eagerly to come up, did I go overboard? Perhaps it's another misunderstanding. But it seems the same thing always happen again and again, except that now he's the one unhappy with my face.

We are both so particular about each other, stubborn abt things that it has become worse. I have even believed that we will never be together eventually because I have lost trust with him. But I keep thinking, what has led to this? Is it because we were just too comfortable with each other? Or just take each other for granted now? I have no answers.

Finally had some time to write in here again. I had been busy with my assignments and my recent trip to redang. It's really an enjoyable trip and I missed that place already. Such lovely waters and corals they have! Part one of the photos can be viewed at this url:
Click Here!

This is venus finally doing her first swim.. think she really enjoyed herself! I gotta go out now. Will update again, promise!

It's been sometime since I dropped by here. I finally got my pair of track shoes. It's hard to find after hunting it for ages. I found them frm pennisula plaza at a price slightly higher than queensway. Queensway doesn't have my size anymore, cuz it's a very old model frm adidas - Banshee III. so happy got it finally... aiyaya... it's a shoe more for trekking but I juz like it. :)

It's juz not my day today. Reached late for the outing at Bishan. Felt a bit bad cuz I was busy cleaning up the stain on venus fur. Her fur was stained yellow at her hind legs when she was cooped up in that doggie bag. Never ever buy those shoe nibbles for her with color ever! It will stain her fur, so sad. But venus managed to play around with the other JRT at the park, so CUTEeee! She wasn't leashed up and she actually din run off. That's a good sign which means, I can bring her to Sentosa for a swim. Hopefully she will be a great swimmer. heh..

Was really happy to see nick with teddy at the park. Nick brought his miniature pinscher, and they really got along well, I took lots of photos of the dogs chasing each other, venus was always the one doing the chase and not teddy. Hehe... big bully. BUT THE PHOTOS WERE EXPOSED. SOB..... the film was stuck inside when it was running at the 35th picture. And god... I don't know y i went to expose the film, should have just hit on the rewind button and everything would be fine. BUT I JUST DIDN'T! and all the nice photos were gone. Wat a waste! Sob.... hai.. wat a day!

What a bore to have classes to attend on Saturday! Just can't help but grumble over it, to think it stretched frm 2-5pm. Arghh, half a good day gone like that. Got to realise that there is going to be a presentation assignment for one of my module. Just hate presentations, hope I will get over it soon. But at least, I finally caught the movie of Resident Evil. A nice show in fact, Mila is one of my fave actress, I can't tell much but she's really pretty with really good figure. Plain lovelY!

Collected my new pair of colored lenses, love the color but guess there isn't much difference, perhaps I had been wearing colored lenses all the while. My old lenses was more than 2 1/2 years old, so when I wore the new pair today, it really felt great and much more comfy. I will be bringing Venus to Bishan park later at 9am. Hopefully, she will not misbehave cuz I m going to take a bus there and it's a long ride. Poor dog, she's going to be coop up in the doggie bag till she reached the park. Just hope she dun pee/poo/vomit inside the bag. yuckss. the last time went I brought her to the Dog Show at Changi, she actually vomitted her breakfast out on the taxi's seat .. totally disgusting. =| Pray tomorrow will be a nice day and not rain.